March 19, 2013 5:30 am

Just woke from a dream about Dad. He was here with us and so happy, and carefree, open, joyous. He said many things. We were sitting in a living room, I was listening. He talked lovingly of his little girl. Can't remember details of that, except that she fit into a blueberry... At first it was like he was still alive, but was a little confused, and I didn't know who he thought he was talking to. He said that tomorrow his little girl was getting married and she would be gone from their house for good. I suggested he not give her away and that wouldn't happen, he said they had thought about that. I remember getting up to get Mom, thinking he was having a stroke or something,... then it's fuzzy. But then it was clear this was after death.

Meanwhile, Jake had a dug and underground city in Dad's back yard and Dad was looking around in it. Fanni and Max were there too. In the back yard.

We were all in the car at one point, I think I was driving. No idea where we were going, but saw police with lights on and heard what sounded like gunshots, so kept going past that. Mom and Kelly saw him and interacted with him too, at first. But then not so much, like maybe they didn't see him anymore. While Mom and Kelly were talking about sending a card or gift to someone, Dad was looking around like he was just enjoying the view. It seemed like it was Mom's new place, a mobile home. I asked him if he was a ghost. He hesitated a moment and said, “I suppose I am.”

Pretty sure I asked him about Jack and Tim, but I don't remember his answer.

He wrapped me in his arms and squeezed me tighter than last time, and told me, “We're going to our reward.” This was the strongest part, and I knew I would not forget it by morning.

February 18, 2013

I had a nice dream last night:

I was in a room when I heard Dad clear his throat on the other side of a door. I opened it and there he was! I said, “Dad! You're back!”

We hugged each other nice and tight for a couple moments. The dream got a little confusing then and the next thing I new Dad was gone. But he left me a little sugar packet with his name and dates on it- something we had given out out his memorial service, in the dream. I was telling friends about it and when I went to show them the sugar packet he left me, I couldn't find it. I went looking everywhere. I thought maybe the whole thing hadn't really happened, if I didn't have the packet he left me. Finally I found it in a pocket. I was sooo relieved. It was proof that it really happened! Even though we had tons of them at the service, I knew this one came from Dad.

This dream came on the heels of having had a dream that I thought might have been from Dad, about where my keys were, two of them actually. My keys, including the K-knife I got from his key chain, were really found in my purse- no relation whatsoever to the dreams that they had gone out with the trash. Even though I wasn't 100 % that the dreams came from Dad, I felt it was possible. But, after finding them in a completely different place I felt if the key dreams weren't real, probably the dream and vision I'd had of him before weren't real. Shook my faith some more. Pretty sure this latest dream was a message either from Dad or myself not to discount my dreams, even when it seems they couldn't be real.

It's been 2 and a half months since we lost him, but it seems like a lifetime since I was with my Dad...

More??

The van died again in November, and we couldn't afford to fix it, so we were driving Doug's mom's car as she had knee replacement and couldn't drive anyway.  Then Doug lost his job...  I was already not speaking to Yvonne because I couldn't tolerate her lack of compassion for me losing my dad, "how do you think I feel?" is her pat response to whatever someone else is feeling.  I hate the world without Dad!!

Doug and I have had a lot of stress lately, even before Dad was taken.  In fact, I remember thinking when he went to the emergency room that week that I couldn't take anymore.  It turns out that I could at that time handle the stress of it, but we've had a couple more events since then, and I did hit  my limit.  I started having problems at work; lack of concentration, and being on the verge of tears several times while still at work.  I've returned to counseling, seen my doctor who added a supplemental medication to my anti-depressant.  Don't know yet if all this is enough to get me through, and the reality is that if Dad were still here he probably wouldn't be able to help me either,... but I would still have my Dad.  I could see him, talk to him, sit with him, wait for any jewels of wisdom he may offer, cuz he did have a few of those.

High Flight

I Sure Miss My Dad